About the only thing I'm checking off my list week.

Soooo, I haven't wanted to be productive this week. This is the point in goal reaching where I usually decide I don't really care about this stuff after all.

Working is hard. Working toward things is hard. I don't want to do hard things right now. I want to be left alone to watch TV and eat junk food for a few days.  Not that that will make me feel more like being productive, but that's what I want.

Why is it that the things I used to do for relaxation have become have-tos instead of get-tos?  I read for relaxation most of the time. But trying to keep caught up with my reading goals has turned it into something I have to get done, not something that I'm doing because I want to. Running can be very cleansing and cathartic, but when I've set a goal to run so-many miles it becomes something I need to do, not something for me time. Flute playing is fun. But when I set a goal to do it a certain number of times I feel like a failure when I don't do it.

I need to give myself some more space.

Cut myself some slack.

Remember that I set these goals to keep me from wasting time and help me feel better.

I think I need to give myself more time with less input. Unplug, as it were. I like listening to podcasts when I run, and I like the podcasts I listen to. But maybe a run without headphones would be good for me. I also tend to put Netflix on while I clean. It gives me something more interesting to pay attention to than moping and wiping counters. I wonder if doing it without Netflix would let me get it done faster and have more time when I feel like I'm actually relaxing, instead of just putting off cleaning.

I guess I haven't really spent much time with myself lately. Has anyone noticed how much we seem to hate being alone with our thoughts now? As soon as we don't have active input from other sources, (people, situations, or media) we find ways to get input. We crave it. We hate being left alone to just think about things. When I was newly married I was put in the Young Women's organization at church (cause that's just where they put newly weds...). I mentioned how one time I was driving back to school in Rexburg, ID from my parent's house in Orem, UT. and I got a prompting to turn off the music. It was a strange thing. But I did it. FOUR HOURS I drove, just me and my thoughts. It was one of the most cleansing drives of my life. My young womens' jaws dropped.  I totally got why that was a foreign concept. But I think we need to do it more often. I think the Spirit might have a hard time speaking to us when we are constantly seeking out something else to listen to.

Conference is coming up next week. (Read about what that is here.)Because of family matters I didn't get to listen to any of last conference live and I kind of felt the loss. We had Stake Conference last week. It was good, but I was somewhat distracted and didn't get as much out of it as I might have. Today N had a nursery-prohibitive cold (nothing bad, just didn't want to spread it around the ward) so I stayed home from church with him. I think I'm feeling a little spiritually drained. I need to refill my lamp. I want to make sure I get something worth while out of Conference.  I want to feel lifted up and be given that wonderful desire to repent. I had a great companion on my mission, - many of them, actually - Hermana Gill, who would frequently leave training meetings with a smile on her face, and an excitement to go repent. She was a wonderful example of a humble servant.  Repentance is not a slap on the wrist for misbehavior but and loving opportunity to improve and progress.  I need some loving reminders to repent.

Hermana Gill would also frequently quote that it is better to be reminded than to be taught.  I love how in General Conference there is very little, if any, new doctrine put forth. Instead the speakers are inspired to teach us things we probably know, but need to be reminded of. And they do it in such a way that we feel the Love of the Savior and a desire to do what's right. I think it was the people of King Benjamin (in the Book of Mormon) that said, after they heard his words, that they had no more desire to sin, but to do good continually. That's the kind of feeling we get, for however brief a time, after General Conference. We are reminded of the glorious Plan our Father in Heaven has for us. We see our potential more clearly and that gives us the strength we need to start working on it again.

Also, three new Apostles? Gotta watch that.

So, my brief recap of last weeks goals:

1. I did email teachers. We actually have an appointment tomorrow to clinic a middle school. That should be fun.
2. I finished Make It Stick. Everyone should read that book. Everyone should make their middle schoolers read that book. And again in high school. Seriously. I also started a nice, fluffy youth book for a brain cleanse.
3. Only practiced once. Uninterrupted time is hard to come by.
4. Did not contact any music departments. I'll work on that tomorrow
5. I ran 7 miles yesterday. I was proud of myself. I didn't even feel like I was going to die at the end. Here are couple of pics from the run. I live in a pretty place. 
   
   
   
   
6. I looked up Vit. D amounts. But a friend says we might be able to get them via rX, so I need to look into that. N is overdue for a check up anyway. And I need a flu shot.
7. Didn't sign up for the half marathon yet. It's something I want to have done, but the idea of training for one right now isn't super appealing. Anyone in Washington want to train with me? Or at least run the thing with me?

This weeks goals are much more brief.

1. Email about teaching credentials.
2. Prepare for Conference. Think about what I want to learn and try to be prepared to find out what the Lord wants me to learn. Be ready to repent and give up somethings if need be.

That's it. I'm going to continue to exercise, for me. Practice when I can, for my joy. Read, because I want to. But I need to step back from all the half tos and need tos and shoulds.